tonight was just an impulse to write. so I do not know what I'm writing is correct or incorrect...

I am yao li ling. an average girl, with average mentality, going to a average school. doing what other average teens are doing. so average that I felt its boring. Sometimes, I will think, what ever I am experiencing in school, outside or even at home, millions of other people are experiencing as well. e.g. morning go school, meet friends, do school work. duno in how many places all other teens are doing it as well. fights, common. love life? even though I have not experience it, but, I believe it is just the same. nothing more. boy ask girl or girl ask boy. then go have dinner and movie. then walk around. then see the girl home. exchange a few words of concern. sigh. boring. no passion inside.

The world is cold. why do I say that? humph. let me put it this way. how many people are really willing to help others passionately or even sincerely? religion all talks about love for god, love for whatever god people believe in. but, how about love for our fellow human race? those needy people? those handicap people on the streets pitifully selling tissues hoping to earn a small handful of coins to survive? how about the showing of love for them? why people do not want to take in them? because they are poor? because they are useless to the society? because they are a burden? why are they even on the streets in the first place? no one to take them in. no one to offer help. no one to show a little more kindness towards these humans. and to think the so call charity helping needy people on the tv channels what are they about when the problem also lies on the streets. where do all those donations goes?? really every cent is donated to the needies?? or were some swallowed?? all those religions collecting money, temples, churches (I dunno if mosque or india temples got collect money or not) all those donations goes to building and beautifying of the place. how about sending them to the needies? wont it have a better impact on the people? the needies, I believe will be even more grateful.

an unattractive world to live in. all the pollutions, all the buildings, golf courses. sad. destroying beauty on earth. all the while saying the possibility of living in other planets. how about making it better to live in by being more considerate to our dear earth. Humans are not created to dominate everything living creatures on earth. we are made to co-exist with our surroundings. what is the point of dominating every living creature on earth if what we do in the end was to destroy it. won't it make us be like what, dictators? all because of our selfishness, greediness, conveniences. please, spare me all those stupid talks on saving the earth, by reduce, reuse, recycle. if a person cant even keep his/her handphone until it spoils, always changing here and there for the latest, what is the point of talking? all those electronic gadgets does so much more harm to the resources. and do people care? no. keep on spaming. I am really disappointed in this world I am living in, and myself for surviving so long.

SIGH....
I told my frn that I want sch toreopen quickly. true, I like it to reopen quickly so I will stop rotting at home and at my workplace listening to S.I.F.I customers. there was one that is the queen of all the sifis. let me demo...

rrring...

Me: good evening, thank you for calling pizza hut delivery, this is Li Ling speaking, how may I assist you?

Ms XXX: you know how speak chinese or not?

Me: 我倒会说一点点中文，请问您贵姓？

Ms XXX: 姓何。。。

Me: 何小姐， 请问-

Ms XXX: 问你 3.50 的是叫设么？？

Me: 是马铃薯，星星相， 小姐，请问-

Ms XXX: 那么5.80 是鸡腿

Me: 对。。。

MsXXX: 我要那个鸡腿，还有马铃薯

Me: 小姐您可否给我您的地址？

Ms XXX:唉哟，你为设么不说呢，一直跟我说价钱

I need to stop here, cuz I really am still angry. but in the end, she did not order, cuz she say I give her wrong information blah blah blah.

it gives me some sort of meaning to life. some people are juz being hateful. I believe they know what words can do to people, yet they would choose the hurtful way to hurt a person deeply. there is a difference between for the fun of it and juz cant be bothered to be nice towards someone. they want others to be patient to them, them want others to accomodate them, but, did they try to accomodate others?

this sifi customer made me realised that the world is actually a cold place. even though not all customers are like her, some are pleasant and polite, but is only skin deep. none is really friendly. and yet agents hv to be friendly towards these people. I feel... unfairness here. even though my team leader says different customers different way they speak. but, I feel that customers should also know wad the agents are going through.

we have to go through a system, nothing could be straightforward. it all follows procedure. yet, when we say that we have to check, or that after getting the address, then we know the store does not do delivery, they get frustrated, demanded explanations and even resort to scolding. the agents hv to bear with them. it is really not fair.

if we were to voice our disapproval with the customers, they complain, wanna fire the agent, fire almost everyone, except themselves. if the delivery was made wrongly, they will again want to fire everyone in that store, even though the store had promised to compensate. WE ARE HUMANS AS WELL. RIDDERS, CALL OPERATORS, EVERYONE. why cant we be treated equally? why must we take orders from S.I.F.I customers like we are not even worth a penny. juz because we 'work for your order', must we be treated like servants or maids?

it is job, yes I agree, I must not put too much feelings inside, I am only working for the money, yes its true, but, can customers at least respect us as an equal, as someone, who although is a stranger, but also wants to be treated fairly? for us agents, we want nothing more than a few moments of patience from customers, hearing happy voices, and a word of thanks as well. we will already be very contented because we know at least the customers treat us equally as well.

today not say very very happy lah. juz hppy oni cuz haha, I get to achieve second in the shoot out 'match' between me and my frnz (dunno how tako became inside oso). I still rem the first P K. I keep on saying I die I die... haha in the end still die lah, but at least still ok ok that kind one lor.... wahh today I really wanna kill desmond sia. he keep on saying his nipple... triple fuck him lor.

I full draw he say "Ouch, my nipple" make me cant concentrate. then I gotta close. and laugh finish. then full draw, he say "I may need to get a bra" make me cannot concentrate again. and I pluck. my arrow went up. lucky, during the final match with him he din make fun of his nipple. oth I really wanna take a scissors and cut away his nipple once and for all. bastard...XD

in the end, I lose to him by one point... haha pity pity... but I very happy alr sia.... at least got win abit... I'm thinking if zeus or khai were in the game, I think I really will lose like some pieces of shit lor. XD (sorry)

during our P K with the seniors (desmond, me and hui ping vs nigel, elwin and zhi mei)
we like addicted sia... no is they like addicted. dunno how to stop. sigh. but of course lah. we juniors lose to them... all four times. ( I think the 3rd end was a tie)XD... of course mah.... seniors. all recurve bows... (even though its 30 m lor)XD

definitely will shoot btr than all of us lor. haha but ok lah, the last end we lost by 1 pt oso... pity pity... XD

I rem mine and christine's one... was fun(not with desmond and his nipple crap) I think she lost to me was cuz of the mental part. I accidentally shot to the yellow region(I nvr aim) and she said oh shit... so I guess she was a bit hasty. but, haha if she was the one who shot yellow, I think I pee alr... XD...
then I stress alr lor, so I juz randomly thought of a music and juz try to relax and tune in to the rethym... (fucking all because of desmond and his nipple crap). X_X

then ppl will all ask who won the fight mah, then nick say me. then the CB elwin WIJAYA say "of course mah, the size of her" oh god, he actually thought me and christine were really fighting. X_X triple fuck. XD

then me and hui ping was next. it was funny. we nvr hit the yellow region. then nick said we too shy to hit the yellow region. XD... no lah. is cuz for me it change of bow. And I din hv the time to test out. so haha. nvr hit the yellow region lor. XD. and oni win hui ping by one pt oso oni.

when it came to me and desmond, I was thinking oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.... I am gonna laugh and forget abt even shooting. maybe he was kind, or maybe cuz of ruth and hui ping's threats, he left me alone (I bet $5 it the second one)but haha like I said, I lost to him by one point. and if my arrow was lower by juz 3mm, it will be a tie. XD

then, aft the first end, during the match btwn the seniors and juniors lah, all were atruck at the calculating part. haha XD, dun even noe how to calculate... sad sad... but finally managed lah. 44 pts... then the second one was 46 pts. the third was 48 pts. see the increase. the final one was oni one arrow each, so was 24pts.

wahh if every training like this hor, I really might pee sia... XD

but today, the sad thing is khai sick and mandy injuired... sigh, hope nxt shoot out wont be like that liao ler. I oso will sad for them one. T_T sad sad...

ok lah stop here first. I oso need to do my research sia... XD.... like wad my frn say...

'NO LIFE'

sigh... dunno do wad lor. no work yet, stay at home, alone watch tv, play psp, watch porn, read books,,,,, I WILL DIE SIA!!!

oni got some events or workshops plus archery to keep me company... >.< SIANZZZ

somebody juz help me by either killing me/give me sth to do pls!!!!

wanna go out oso no $$ sia

din wanna ask aunt, she will fucking ask stupid qns lor.

she until now still haven get over mom's death,,, I got headache liao lor. keep asking why I dun feel anything aft she die? PLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

think I dare to cry with her??
sigh, life still goes on no matter who dies. so wad is the use of NOT gwtting over it???

will it bring her back???
will we noe she is happier???

ANS: NO

so, pls, aunt, stop it,,,, I will really die of boredom

today sore throat, more sian, cant even talk properly, man, I gotta thnz the ppl who invented msn, facebk, blogs. at least I can say sth lor.

aiya, like that first. no inspiration to write XD sad.

I dunno how it happened, or why it happened. I thought I have trained myself to be a cold blooded person. but, I was wrong.

I thought, when my mother die, after i finish the entry, it would be a 'out of my sight, out of my mind' thing. Again, I was wrong. I was late twice this week. usually, the moment I woke up, it would be "mom, I am late... die alr lah" but, these two days, knowing that she is gone, I felt an emptiness in my heart. I can't call out to her. neither will she wake me up, telling me to move my butt and threatened to ban me from going to school if I wanna stay in bed. that emptiness is something I cannot describle. I thought without crying, I have proved that I can survive without thinking of her. msybr I am not as cold blooded as I thought I was.

I cant feel her anymore...

on Saturday, in the afternoon, I went to visit my mom. If I had known what would happen, I would have stayed longer. If I had known what would happen, I would have insisted never to get myself hospitalized for the four damn days. If I had known what would happen, I would never give a shit about the UT and would have stayed longer. But, I am not God, how should I know? how can I ever forgive myself for being selfish just because I was naive. Just because I thought that there will always be time during the holidays, I was such a fool.

MY MOM DIED ON SATURDAY JULY 11 2009 AT 10:20 pm...

I went there; maybe it was fated that I should see her for one last time. Maybe it was fated that I can fulfil my final duty as a daughter. I did something which I never thought that I would need to do. I trimmed my mother’s nails for her. Usually, it would be my aunt down there taking care of my mom’s needs. But, on that day, I took 1 hour to trim her nails, making sure they are all clean and presentable. I should have trusted my instincts that afternoon. I felt something amiss as my mom was really yellowish that afternoon. Even her eyes turned yellow. I thought I smelt death, but I pushed the thought away, thinking that if I were to tell aunt that, she would scold. My aunt even told me to stay longer. But I refused. Thinking of my revision. I still hate myself for being such a fool. I really blame myself. I only stayed for two hours. I have only looked at my mom for two hours! I am such a god damn fool.

How I wish to hear her talk. Looking at her face in the coffin, I really wish she would open her eyes and talk to me. I really wish there was a sign showing that she is alive and not dead in the coffin. Tonight, will be the last night I am able to look at her face. Why days like this go by so fast? Why won’t she live longer? Why, why, why??

There are soooo many many things we have not do yet. I even wanted to go chalet with her, treat her to lunch, Now, I really regretted not insisting that we go chalet, now I really regretted everything. I regret. If only I have insisted, or even throw a tantrum to get my way, maybe we would have gone on a vacation together.

I really regretted everything. All the comforting from friends cannot help me at all. I cry silently in the night. Wishing that my mom would, like what was told, she would go and become an angel, or, if she was to be reborn, I pray that I would meet her again and I pray that she do not need to suffer anymore. I think that is all I could do besides being regretful.

MOM, I REALLY LOVE YOU. I RESPECT YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR NOT DOING MORE AS A DAUGHTER.

1st fucked up

today oni got 12 people in the class... 12!!! its like so quiet, no competition and so not like a classroom. I had the feeling that everyone don't like cognitive and intended to be sick till today then they all pon sch... wah loa lor. in class so boring and sufforcating... open the msn see oni 12 ppl. God forgive me but today's problem also very boring and shitty like the rest of all wednesdays. fell asleep like half the time. Not knowing what the hell is going on... FUCK!!! (sheereen oso... Say loud loud "everyone pon sch lah" then in the end, always the same. no one wanted to pon at all.) Sigh... dun juz say and not do it. dun juz do and not prove it. dun juz prove and not understand it.

2nd fucked up (more like two fucked ups in one)

thought the day won't get any worse, bad surprises always like to spring up now and then...
DAMN STUPID FIRE DRILL!!! of all days choose today to have their fire drill. worse. its not like a fire drill at all lah. in secondary sch. we late by 1 damn min already got scolded like siao. today, I think all took like 10 15 mins to assemble in the field(I think) I think if got real fire, all asses will be toasted lah. got funny thing oso. people brought bags along. Laptops also got... funny sia.
guess why we need to have a fire drill... juz to know where to assemble when there is a real fire... Fuck lor... we wated like half our 2nd study break juz to know where to assemble... FUCK FUCK!!
another fuck... the chinese physican say. the med not bitter one... I eat... almost spit it out lor... still must take three cups of water. but the taste lingers on... FUCK.

3rd fucked up...

wahh. to think got holiday... very happy rite?? but... tmr 8:30am still need to wake up...
for what?? For the damn problem statement. the worksheet blah blah blah... all the crap. worse, still need to do it on com... that means, all the discussion on com... talking on com... presenting on com... even faci oso talk on com... for 5 FUCKING days FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

if life gets any more bored, I can juz go and die ppl...

I am on the brink of real exhaustion... my body is getting really weak. I can't seem to concentrate in class, keeps on dozing off... my RJ length is getting shorter and shorter.

I can seem to hold on to any thoughts for more than 5 mins and that I will forget things rather easily. Getting clumsier by the moment. I can't even concentrate when I type. SHit! what do I want to say??? shucks, I forgot alr... aiya, fuck it lor. tmr still got Drma, sigh... very long time din go alr... tmr must go liao other wise cannot catch up leh lor...

advance updatting first...

on this wed, I need to go see a damn physician... by holy, if he cant treat me well by the end of the month, I am so going to kill the physician, be it guy or gal...

today, I was busy drinking water (damn the senior) then I think was nigel. I dunno wad he done but the stretch band shot me and I almost vomitted. Surprise attack. cough and splutter lah. even came out from my nose... Sigh... fuck lor...

worse, I sprain my damn ankle... juz cuz I turned to look back... seriously double fuck...
lucky oni the bone not the vein or artery. other wise I seriously dunno how to crawl back to the sports complex. felt like a weakling oso... small sprain oso cannot take it... I think my brothers are going to laugh when they see me at that point in time. Sigh... triple fuck...

HAHHH!!!

dunno why, but now I starting to like alot of things alr... ( not possesive lah)
like for example, I begin to like my frnz alr... maybe is cuz they very nice to me lor then I like them... they treat me better than my family treat me lor... found myself really feeling honestly happy for the first time...

I like Jive IG. cuz that is where I meet my frnz and managed to even get 3 MSN address... (ahhhh, must get more, then can play abit of prank with them lor) hahahahaha

I like archery... two reasons lah one, is make a few new frnz (again) two... can excercise a bit (cuz I dun like my dietitian nagging and nagging all day long, as a matter of fact, I hate anyone who nags) but the training is seriously hell... but still like it lah...

I think I like Drama IG the most lor... dunno why oso but the people ther oso very friendly and yea found a few who like me, mentality a bit cock up one... (gd gd kind one lah)...

Aiya today stomache dunno wad happen, maybe is eat too much left overs and junk food alr, not use to home cook food... diahorrea from sunup to down... oni at abt 1130pm then stop...
but still like it cuz lose a bit of weight... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i MAD ALR...

Today, not say very happy or very sad... Sigh...

Feeling a little down because me and my group cannot go and play pool anymore. they dismantle the whole thing. Even the cafe is gone... Sigh...

happy abit cuz my group actualy got eat a pack of tidbits together. for ten minutes. then also got take a bit of photos (eating tidbits).

got fun also. managed to get to shoot arrows... ahhh just like to hear the sound of arrows hitting the board. I think anything that can be shot I would go for it. Darts, archery, ETC...

even though did not manage to get selected (lucky me...)... Still am feeling better. Sigh...

Just finish RJ question. And yeah gotta go sleep alr... Sigh...

So late alr...

If someone were to see this post today, then that means that I have survived yesterday's fires of pugatory (just exaggarating)...

yesterday I was soo damn difficult, I think my friends are all pissed off lor. I almost wanted to fuck up the UT so that I can sleep... Of course I din do it lah (not that dumb)

training was not that tough. Even though we also have to run two rounds the sch, (abt there lah) but in the middle, always need to do pumping. That really helps as my legs managed to rest evenn for alittle while. in the end, can finish without owing anymore pumpings lor. (even though still owe 42 pumpings)...

but, today still very tired. not enough rest...

Archery try out is very tempting. I don't want to go for the competition but, I still want to shoot. (like the sound of arrows hitting the target board)... Sigh... So, today try out I am soo going.

guess why I don't like the upcoming selection??

very pissed, very sad, very tired, got a fucking headache...

pissed is because of the damn fucking UT... must do it on lappy one. cannot write one. Fuck lor. One damn downgrade and have to redo it again. FUCK FUCK AND MORE FUCK.

very sad is because of yesterday. I don't like the americans. (not discriminating)
They never follow the rules. Then all they say is ridiculous, say in JB can why Singapore cannot... Fuck lor... I am just doing my job lah. I even go ask and confirm that video cam is not allowed in the event. I cried at the event, on the train and even when I reach home. Also, in bed before I sleep. Sigh... I think I getting weak lor... cry soo easily. Now got gold fish eyes already and very sleepy... SIGH

very tired cuz yesterday from morning 7am stretch all the way to 12.32am and this morning oso 7am wake up... Wahh very tired... Still got UT and then got PT... Will DIE one lor... Juz hope can survive till I reach home. wah lao... Still got quiz, evaluation and RJ... FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

I want thursday to come quickly... SOB SOB SOB...

its after three days and I rem and very angry at wad happen...
there was a hockey match and for me, I have to guard ppl from going near the fence
I thought that was extremely easy as I juz need to say dun stand beyond the drain and ppl will listen(on my side of the field)

however, I dare say that I have tasted the peace of heaven and the chaos of hell

let me start by saying singapore hockey team vs netherlands hockey team
sooo, on the left side would be supporters of singapore and on the right would be supporters from netherlands.

I guard the supporters from sigapore . they were very peaceful. even the cheer leaders were relatively peacefu. I juz need to say once, pls dunstand beyond the drain and do not go near the fence, they listened and follow. so, I have an easy time with them. I even sat to watch the match...

however, my peace was disrupted as another usher asked me and another girl to help out at the right side of the fence. says that the crowd is going wild...

we followed...

oni three words describled me when I reached there... I WAS STUNNED...

I was rellly really stunned. the crowd of kids was leaning against the fence and those ushers had to put barricades to prevent the kids from going over to the fence, and yet the kids still managed to climb over the barricades. So, we placed another barricade (double barricades) and therefore, we have to shift the first barricade back.

Worse, that father complained that we are spoiling the childrens' fun and enjoyment. he even stepped on the barricade to prevent me from moving it. I was pissed off. I mean, dun they find that the safety is greater than the enjoyment of the children. I kept on saying that it is for the safety of the children and he kept saying Stop it stop it...

Lucky, my senior came. at that point, I was suddenly thinking. WOW my saviour..
then he juz said "sir, if you won't cooperate with us, we may have to ask u to leave." I was seriously happy as the man juz left...

the worse was not over yet...
the kids promised me that they will stand behind the line (plastic chain)
so, I let them. then, I went over to my place to check... the people were peaceful. that was when I say, OMG! I am in heaven. that thought disspated when I went back to hell... the chain broke (twice some more)
had to fix back the chain...
arrrgh....

on thurs the group will come back... I am sooo gonna die!!!

Sigh...............

wahh... I too greedy alr. sign up for too many CE activities
some, morning got one then afternoon got one. in the end stretch to at night then can go home.
today even though the title is disorganise but
i wanna say I am very happy today cuz meet new frnz. they are very gd and cheerful.
I feel at ease being with they. But still cant open up to them. maybe when time passes, then will be able to open up to them lor.

nothing much to say alr...sob sob
I leave with a poem which I copied

IF YOU CAN'T WIN THE GAME,
IF YOU CAN'T SOLVE THE PUZZLE,
YOU ARE JUST A LOSER.